VAMPIRIC VOICEOVER RUINS EVERYTHING

There’s this rad chick named Stacie Ponder who has herself a blog called Final Girl. It is, hands down, one of the best blogs out there dedicated to the horror genre. Stacie’s writing is always funny and, more often than not, insightful. If you’re a fan of scary movies, kittens, funny ladies, ponies, intelligent geekery, baby polar bears, and/or long romantic walks on moonlit beaches, you should check it out.

On a semi-regular basis, Ms. Ponder hosts a Final Girl Film Club. She selects a film and her globe-spanning army of minions sets about reviewing it. Since I’ve finally given in to my hipster urges and Tumbld, I figure I’ll participate this time. I want to be a minion, too, dammit!

The film is Roger Vadim’s 1960 lesbian vampire film, “Blood and Roses”. Netflix describes it as a “tale of passion and terror” and lesbian vampires are always cool, but I have my doubts. I’ve never really been a fan of Vadim’s work. It tends to be oddly disjointed (not surrealistic, like Fellini, just sloppy) and emotionally frigid (not in a way that informs the story, like Kubrick, just stiff).

I don’t really know how one goes about reviewing, so I’m just going to jot things down as they occur to me.

0:00:07 Mel Ferrer!

0:00:10 Wait. I was picturing Mel Cooley from “The Dick Van Dyke Show”, not Mel Ferrer.

0:00:56 The screenplay is by two Rogers and the “original” story is by two Claudes. What are the odds?

0:02:10 I’m pretty sure this is the same footage they used in the “If You Had Wings” ride at Disney World.

0:02:46 I’m really glad they showed take-off in its entirety. Any editing would have left me with questions.

0:04:55 Am I the only one who snickered through the whole “climax of the evening” discussion?

0:05:30 I may be jumping to conclusions, but I think people are frightened of the abbey.

0:07:17 Dude! Your daughter’s totally going to marry a vampire!

0:08:36 Uh oh. Incest runs in the family.

0:12:30 Bitch is cold: “Carmilla doesn’t want to see me.” “LOL!”

0:14:50 Wait. Was this supposed to be sexual tension or just tension tension? I mean, they’re cousins and we know how the cousins in this family spend their time, but they have zero chemistry.

0:15:20 They’re really telegraphing the plot here. Would anyone be lost without the vampiric voiceover?

0:16:02 Dorothy Gale and Betsy Booth just wet themselves.

0:18:00 It may be the puffy sleeves talking, but methinks Carmilla isn’t the only one who wants Leopoldo.

0:18:20 You can call it padding if you like, but I’m certain all the fireworks footage turns out to be essential to the plot.

0:18:25 A perfectly beautiful shot ruined by vampiric voiceover. Millarca is clearly somewhere in Basil Exposition’s family tree.

0:18:30 Millarca, Carmilla. Carmilla, Millarca. Paging Dr. Acula.

0:18:50 The “Maestro of Fireworks” has blown up the abbey! See, the fireworks were important.

0:20:08 Another nice (if cliché) shot ruined by vampiric voiceover.

0:20:30 Leopoldo is so not getting his security deposit back.

0:21:50 I’ve seen some unflattering sepulchers in my day, but, man, not hot.

0:22:35 Carmilla totally disagrees with me.

0:25:30 Is he about to mount her from behind? What’s going on?

0:27:08 Yeah, it’s perfectly normal to watch your fiancée strip your cousin naked.

0:27:14 Leopoldo is enjoying the view. A lot.

0:27:18 Until he remembers his fiancée is still in the room. D’oh!

0:28:50 Bitch is cold: “A potentially- rabid fox bit you? LOL!”

0:29:40 That’s what you would expect of the “Maestro of Fireworks”: putting his launch pad right on top of a stash of German munitions.

0:29:45 Well, that and to want to just blow things up.

0:31:08 “Have you ever seen ‘The Children’s Hour’?” “Why?” “No reason, just wondering.”

0:32:55 Careful, Carmilla, your anachronisms are showing. People might think you’re possessed.

0:36:53 “Is this another of your moods? Or are you a vampire or something? Huh? HUH?!?”

0:38:00 “Do you ever wish you were Shirley Feeney? You know, so you could hang out with Laverne DeFazio all the time? Wait. Where are you going?”

0:39:35 So this guy likes to moon the ladies and all the other servants know it?

0:40:50 The insights of a “superstitious” black woman are ignored and/or mocked? In a genre pic? I would never have expected that.

0:41:15 “You know what cures tuberculosis? Marriage.” Okay, now I’m mocking her insights.

0:42:00 “Would you like to go back to my place and watch ‘Thelma and Louise’? It’s, um, really empowering and stuff.”

0:44:00 Isn’t this supposed to be taking place at night? You could get a tan in this “moonlight”.

0:46:40 Yeah, it’s perfectly normal to invite your cousin along on your honeymoon.

0:47:15 Okay, I don’t think marlin fishing is all that’s being mimed here.

0:50:00 Hallucinatory blood spots? Carmilla’s going all Lady Macbeth on us.

0:52:15 I thought this was one of them there lesbian vampire pictureshows? Unless there’s something about Leonardo we don’t know, this is pretty damned hetero. A bit incestuous, but hetero. And still zero chemistry.

 0:53:10 So which was it, Little Women, a ghost or a vampire? I suppose such a thing as the ghost of a former vampire could exist, but that seems like a stretch.

0:55:15 “Giuseppe the Vampire Slayer”… coming this Fall on Fox.

0:56:50 It took two eight-year-old girls less than a minute to get Giuseppe to recant his whole story. Impressive.

0:57:40 “I have all six seasons of ‘Xena’ on DVD.” “I love ‘Xena’!” “Let’s go up to my room and watch.”

0:58:50 Oh, here comes the lesbian vampire action I was promised.

0:59:20 Damn you, Giuseppe! You’re totally cockblocking Carmilla (or whatever the lesbian and/or vampiric equivalent of that is).

1:00:40 Dude is cold: “This house is sad when it rains.” “Excellent!”

1:01:45 I may be jumping to conclusions, but I don’t think Carmilla wants Leopoldo going to Venice.

1:01:55 And she keeps right on drinking out of the broken glass… chick is hardcore.

1:02:35 I really hope this means the Sweet Valley High girls are going to bite it soon. Or be bitten, as the case may be. Zing!

1:04:40 So I guess we’re finally getting to the payoff. All that slow smoldering the movie’s been doing up until now is about to erupt into flame. Truly, this is the climax of the evening.

1:05:10 Or not. Unless Georgia’s even more into blood than the vampire.

1:05:30 That’s a very strange place to have a pool.

1:06:40 You can’t go wrong with a Fellini-esque dream sequence. Well, until you do.

1:07:40 Okay, things just got confusingly disturbing (as opposed to disturbingly confusing). The red gloves are a nifty touch.

1:09:00 Wait. What? Millarca’s going to die? Why? All the spinning around? I’m so confused.

1:10:05 So the doctor knew Carmilla was on the verge of a psychotic break, knew she loved Leopoldo and was jealous of Georgia, and was pretty sure she had killed Lisa, but warned no one? That doctor deserves a punch right in the nose.

1:11:25 Methinks Carmilla is going to get herself blowed up.

1:12:10 Stake through the heart! That seems much more appropriate, but I’m sure the “Maestro of Fireworks” is disappointed an explosion only facilitated her death. He’s all about the explosive dismemberment, that one.

1:12:45 Oh, good, more plane footage.

1:13:30 Yeah, I’m pretty sure I would have liked it better if I had been left wondering if Carmilla was “just” crazy or was actually a vampire or possessed by a vampire ghost or whatever the hell happened. Vampiric voiceover ruins everything.

Conclusions:

1. The “Maestro of Fireworks” was the true villain and deserves his own movie.

2. I’m still not a fan of Vadim’s work.